More Open Letters. 4 April, 2009

Dear Roommates,

I’m still finding glass in the fridge, three weeks later. This is a problem. How on earth did you manage to get glass everywhere when you broke that bottle? Seriously, the piece of glass I found today was roughly the size of my hand. Not to mention the shards I found last week in my vegetable drawer that I nearly killed myself on. Please fix this problem.

And you think Arrested Development is dumb? Boo on you. 

Exasperatedly yours,

Doesn’t want to die from accidentally slitting her wrists on glass.

*****

Dear Reduced Shakespeare Company,

Please come to Utah either before June or after August. Or be in Oregon (maybe) from June-August. Thank you.

Begging you on her knees,

A new convert.

*****

Dear University Mall Patrons,

Does your ability to walk in a straight line automatically disappear as soon as you walk into the mall? Because seriously, I shouldn’t nearly run into you as I try to pass you since your speed rivals a turtle stuck in quicksand.

If you are with your significant other (and sometimes I can’t even identify your gender. Fix that.), walk close to each other. Don’t walk three feet apart, holding hands and blocking off prime walking space. Unless you want me to do the limbo under your arms, then I would be happy to oblige. 

Sneeringly,

Walking faster will help you burn off that Orange Julius, Bozo.

*****

Dear mattress,

What’s up with you always trying to reject my sheets and mattress pad? I swear, I have to fix them EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. 

How come you hate me so? I’ve only ever given you love and kindness. Is this your way of telling me I’m fat?

Sadly yours,

Will you sleep with me tonight?

*****

Dear Utah Weather,

After further analysis and receiving a detailed history of your symptoms, my official diagnosis is Rapid Cycling Bipolar I Disorder. Snow one minute, then rain, then it’s sunny and warm and students are shedding their coats and donning their flip-flops, just to be disappointed by more snow a couple of hours later. You seem to suffer from such extremes, and the lovely 60 degree weather you experienced just a couple of weeks ago is an indicator of a “manic” state, where you suffered under the delusion that it was actually Spring. This was then followed by a week of cold with more snow than not.

I suggest a strong course of weather therapy from a more mild state, like your neighbor Arizona or even a stranger like Florida. They have proper weather spells.

Sincerely,

Your friendly weather psychologist.

Open Letters. 4 December, 2008

Dear Dr. Slife,

Thanks for destroying my hope of successfully integrating my new theoretical perspective with my old. Even though you wound up encouraging us to be slightly eclectic, I can’t seem to get over the fact that embracing multiple theories is actually embracing one theory. What?!? Since when did 1 + 1 = 1? I am now disgustingly aware of myself and my viewpoints, and I solemnly swear I will never reify anything ever again.

Sincerely,

That red head girl who sits on the left side in the way back and takes notes on her beast of a laptop.

***

Dear Tenants of White Gables Apartments,

Space in the parking lot does NOT mean that it is legal to park there. You parked in someone (not me, thank goodness) who now cannot get out of their LEGAL space. Not to mention your gigantic boat of a vehicle gets in the way of everyone else who wants to get out of the lot. Park on the street, dummy!

Love,

I park better than you!

***

Dear roommates,

Peanut butter is now officially banned from our apartment. Not only does it taste bad, but I think I permanently smell like it. Vomit.

Love,

Bananas are banned, too!

Stalked by a (yellow) Cougar. 19 September, 2008

Suzy and I went to the mall tonight. It was a very successful trip, albeit the first round was short because we had to go pick up Aaron from his PE Teaching party. I bought a cute cardigan at Gap, PLUS I was able to make an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow!

Anyway, we leave the mall parking lot (from Nordstrom) and we’re going to turn left onto University parkway. We get in the far left turning lane (since there are two) and approach the end of the car line. We start to pass a yellow Hummer on our right, when it suddenly decides “hey, I want to be in the OTHER lane. Let me crush this little tiny Hyundai to get my way.” Said Hummer starts to move over on top of us, so Suzy deftly moves around it to avoid a collison.

As we pass by, the driver is screaming and gesturing wildly at us through her car window. Suzy and I look at each other, and just kind of shrug it off. After all, she’s the one who almost killed us.

Then . . .

TAP TAP TAP.

We glance over, and the DRIVER OF THE HUMMER (who, I might interject, is the definition of a Cougar–or a middle-aged woman who dresses like a hooker) is TAPPING with her NASTY LONG FINGERNAILS on Suzy’s window.

We stare at her in shock.

She starts mouthing (with a nasty fake smile on her face), “Roll down your window!”

Suzy and I look at each other in fright.

Suzy looks back at the woman and starts screaming “NO!” and shaking her head and trying to move closer to car in front of us.

I start screaming something about the light still being red.

TAP TAP TAP.

The lady followed us forward.

We continue screaming.

She continues trying to get Suzy to roll down her window.

The light turns green.

I scream “GO GO GO GO!” and we accelerate quickly to escape.

The lady stands there with her arms folded, glaring at us until she realizes that she’s holding up traffic.

We breathe a sigh of relief until . . .

The Hummer is right behind us.

Shining it’s HIGH BEAMS into our car.

We’re just a little freaked out now, and grateful that we are on our way to pick up a 6′8″ MAN.

But fortunately she turns and stops following us.

By this point, we’re laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the whole occurrence.

The woman had nasty bleach blonde hair with gravity defying bangs, was dressed in all yellow, and drove a yellow Hummer.

Wow.

For the record, in Richmond you would never get out of your car and try to confront another driver.

Because that other driver just might blow your head off.

Sometimes I Wonder . . . 12 September, 2008

Why, when our apartment was empty for the summer, the owners decided to schedule the carpet to be cleaned DURING the school year at NIGHT? And not just any night, but a SCHOOL NIGHT?

Why my students say they understand what I’m talking about, and then need clarification about a minute later on what I was JUST explaining?

Why anyone would want to watch VH1 rather than CNN in the morning at the gym?

Why am I up so late with nothing better to do than to make a blog post?

What would possess anyone to park their Suburban in the shortest spot in the lot?

Why our upstairs neighbors sound like a HERD OF ELEPHANTS when they clomp around at night, and why they feel the need to DROP THINGS LOUDLY at SIX A.M.?

If I’m really the one going crazy? Because sometimes I feel like everyone else can’t be going crazy all at the same time, so maybe it’s just me. Or is it?

How can I make the perfect pizza? I have GOT to be missing something . . .

Minor Annoyances 30 August, 2008

Scene the First: BYU Bookstore.

I was happily moving along, buying my books, when I came to the place where the books should have been for my Child Psychopathology class. I grabbed the first, then the second, not stopping to double check the title. When I arrived at the counter to purchase them, one of them rang up as being $152.

WHAT?!?!

I could have SWORN my most expensive book was only supposed to be $130. Oh well. Stupid bookstore, jacking up the price on me.

Last night, as I was checking out my load ($567.85 worth. It almost makes one want to cry.), I pulled out my supposed book for Child Psychopathology. Wrong book. I had grabbed the one for Abnormal Psychology because the bookstore employees are imbeciles and decided to stack the Abnormal Psych books where the main textbook for Child Psychopathology was supposed to be.

Today, I went back up to the bookstore (and nearly dying as I climbed Mount RB Stairs. Stupid altitude.) to return said Abnormal Psych book, and see if the Abnormal CHILD Psych book was there, but pushed aside. No book. I checked at the desk and the employee said that the book I needed was back ordered until mid-September, and the Psych department (and thus the professor) knew about it. And it’s not available online with all of the additional DVDs and CDs that we need for the course. Whoopee.

Scene the second: White Gables Apartments.

The ad said that we have internet capabilities. No ethernet plugs, no nothing that indicates that we even have internet available to us. If we were to get cable, then maybe we could get internet through the cable company, but Comcast’s bundle is totally not worth it. So now we just have to see what wireless connections we can get. It’s very hit-and-miss, but I seem to have found a decent one right now. It doesn’t work well in the morning or at night, but daytime = awesome.

Scene the third: White Gables (again).

WHY must the longest cars in the lot park in the shortest space possible, therefore STICKING OUT too far into the lot and making backing up IMPOSSIBLE?!?! You KNOW that you are driving a SUBURBAN, for crying out loud! Please, PLEASE park somewhere else where no one has to worry about backing up without hitting your tank. Please sell it and get a smaller car that has decent gas mileage.

Thanks bunches!

Love, Katie