I’m convinced that I still smell like monkeys, nearly a week and a half after the last time I got up close and personal with one. My sheets, my shoes, my purse, my car (which has never even been to Oregon). Everything I own smells like monkeys. Maybe that’s why my roommates have never really spoken to me.
Bathroom Rules (or, “I can’t study until I get this off my chest”). 20 April, 2009
I have one simple rule regarding bathroom usage.
[Besides not knocking on the door when there is obviously someone in there. Or putting the lid down before you flush (do you know how many germs get kicked into the air when you flush? Yeah). Or not piling unused toilet paper in the trash can (especially when I'm the one buying it. And I spring for the Ultra Soft Charmin). Or not knocking the BRAND NEW roll of toilet paper into the toilet because you didn't put the lid down after the last time you were in there. Or actually washing your towel every once in a while, and if you don't at least you keep it in your room where I don't smell it festering everytime I take a shower. But this is all common sense.]
My rule?
When you replace the toilet paper in the bathroom (and you know if you used the last of the old roll, so when you’re done grab a new roll out of the closet, forcryingoutloud), you feed it OVER THE TOP.
OVER.
THE.
TOP.
Because seriously! Do you know how hard it is to grasp the precious softness of Charmin when you have to grope around underneath it to find the loose end? Not to mention I have a tendency to buy the EXTRA LARGE (!) rolls that technically need an extender to fit properly on the toilet paper spinny thing (I’m totally patenting that name, FYI.), so with the combination of feeding the roll UNDER and the roll’s inability to spin properly, it makes the procurement of TP nigh unto impossible. And it extends the length of time that I have to endure the smell of your nasty towel.
The only time TP should ever be fed under the roll is if you have a cat who quite enjoys the look on your face when you are investigating that annoying “ka-thunk ka-thunk riiiiiiiip” sound and you find him spinning and shredding the brand-spankin’-new TP roll (true story).
But he’ll still figure out that it just takes a couple of extra spins to get the desired effect.
And I think it’s really kind of creepy when people try to talk to each other when one of the conversants is . . . answering nature’s call?
Awkward.
More Open Letters. 4 April, 2009
Dear Roommates,
I’m still finding glass in the fridge, three weeks later. This is a problem. How on earth did you manage to get glass everywhere when you broke that bottle? Seriously, the piece of glass I found today was roughly the size of my hand. Not to mention the shards I found last week in my vegetable drawer that I nearly killed myself on. Please fix this problem.
And you think Arrested Development is dumb? Boo on you.
Exasperatedly yours,
Doesn’t want to die from accidentally slitting her wrists on glass.
*****
Dear Reduced Shakespeare Company,
Please come to Utah either before June or after August. Or be in Oregon (maybe) from June-August. Thank you.
Begging you on her knees,
A new convert.
*****
Dear University Mall Patrons,
Does your ability to walk in a straight line automatically disappear as soon as you walk into the mall? Because seriously, I shouldn’t nearly run into you as I try to pass you since your speed rivals a turtle stuck in quicksand.
If you are with your significant other (and sometimes I can’t even identify your gender. Fix that.), walk close to each other. Don’t walk three feet apart, holding hands and blocking off prime walking space. Unless you want me to do the limbo under your arms, then I would be happy to oblige.
Sneeringly,
Walking faster will help you burn off that Orange Julius, Bozo.
*****
Dear mattress,
What’s up with you always trying to reject my sheets and mattress pad? I swear, I have to fix them EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
How come you hate me so? I’ve only ever given you love and kindness. Is this your way of telling me I’m fat?
Sadly yours,
Will you sleep with me tonight?
*****
Dear Utah Weather,
After further analysis and receiving a detailed history of your symptoms, my official diagnosis is Rapid Cycling Bipolar I Disorder. Snow one minute, then rain, then it’s sunny and warm and students are shedding their coats and donning their flip-flops, just to be disappointed by more snow a couple of hours later. You seem to suffer from such extremes, and the lovely 60 degree weather you experienced just a couple of weeks ago is an indicator of a “manic” state, where you suffered under the delusion that it was actually Spring. This was then followed by a week of cold with more snow than not.
I suggest a strong course of weather therapy from a more mild state, like your neighbor Arizona or even a stranger like Florida. They have proper weather spells.
Sincerely,
Your friendly weather psychologist.
Eww. 2 March, 2009
My roommate just ate a piece of garlic bread that sat out on the counter uncovered all night. She probably won’t get sick from it, which is kind of too bad because seriously? Who eats something that sat out on the counter for hours and hours? Not to mention the sauce she dipped it in smells like vomit-in-a-can or, in other words, Spaghetti-o’s. If she gets sick, I might feel bad for like a minute, but then I will roll my eyes at the stupidity of the situation.
On the subject of things that are gross, I spent an hour this morning at USH scrubbing the bottom of the hydrocollator machine (where the heat packs are stored). It was pretty nasty, especially when I had to chunk out the silica clay with a popsicle stick. But am I the only weird person out there who gets a deep sense of satisfaction after I deep clean something?
On Another Note. 16 February, 2009
If you are easily offended or might take offense about an irritated rant, please stop reading now. These are my thoughts on this topic, and you probably won’t say anything that makes me change my mind.
I don’t do small talk, unless it’s with someone I’m fairly close to/who actually cares about me.
People that I will engage in small talk:
- My family.
- The people I work with (Dr. S, Kat, Alicia, Sam, the other RAs).
- My professors who ask “How are you?” and actually want an honest answer.
Pretty much anyone else that isn’t on this list I will small talk with on a evaluative basis. Random friends from back home = yes. Random people on campus = no, for the most part.
This is my point: I don’t like it when my roommates try to engage me in pleasant conversation.
When I walk in and they are lying about on the couches, the most I expect or even want is a leisurely “S’up?”. Instead, I get a “Hi Katie. How are you?”. Okay, I just saw you like an hour ago. I’m doing about the same as I was then, thank you very much indeed. Except now I’m slightly annoyed, since you just wasted a valuable slice of my life by asking me a question that wasted your breath, since you already knew the answer.
And why would I even give you an honest answer? We’ve known each other for what, five months at the most? Even if my life started sucking big time in the past 53 minutes, you would probably freak out if I laid all of my problems on you. So you will get a “Peachy” from me, if I even deem you worthy of a response.
This also goes with “How was your day?”.
It’s a holiday.
I did nothing.
Therefore, my “day”, for all intents and purposes, did not exist. I don’t ask you how your day was when I know all you did was sit around, because that’s just stupid.
Now, on the other hand, if you were to engage me in small talk through an opener such as “Slay any fearsome dragons today?” I might snort in derision, then give you kudos for creativity. I will also think up a creative answer that describes how my day went, just in respect for your awesomeness.
Lest you think that I’m a complete anti-social moron (especially following my V-day post), I actually do enjoy pleasant conversation. Just make it natural.
I’m not angry really. Confused, bewildered, and totally weirded out describe it better.
